Dialogues of the Gods

1HEPHAESTUSWhat do you want me to do, Zeus? Here I am, as you ordered, all ready with my axe at its sharpest, even if I must chop through stones with a single blow. ZEUSThat’s grand, Hephaestus. Now, down with it on my head and cut it in two.†HEPHAESTUSAre you trying to see if I’m mad? Tell me what you really want me to do. ZEUSYou heard. I want my skull split. If you don’t obey, I’ll be angry—and you know what that’s like already.†Hit away with all your might. Come on, hurry up. The birth-pangs shooting through my brain are killing me. HEPHAESTUSTake care, Zeus, or I may hurt you. My axe is sharp. You’ll find her a midwife that draws blood and quite different from Ilithyia.†ZEUSHit away, Hephaestus. Don’t be afraid; I know what’s good for me. HEPHAESTUSAll right, here goes. How can I help it, when it’s your orders? Hullo, what’s this? A girl in armour?†That was no small trouble you had in your head. No wonder you were short-tempered, breeding a big girl like that in your brain—and her with armour into the bargain. It wasn’t a head you had but a barracks, though we didn’t know it. She’s leaping up and down in a war-dance, shaking her shield and poising her spear, full of the spirit of battle; and, most wonderful of all, see how good-looking and grown-up she’s become in this short time; she’s got grey eyes, but they go very well with her helmet. So, Zeus, pay me for my services as midwife, by betrothing her to me this minute. ZEUSThat’s impossible. She’ll want to remain single for ever, though for my part I’ve no objection to your request. HEPHAESTUSThat’s all I wanted to hear. Leave the rest to me. I’ll be off with her right away. ZEUSDo so, if you can manage it, but I know that what you want is impossible.