Dialogues of the Dead

1Diogenes Pollux, I have a commission for you; next time you go up—and I think it is your turn for earth to-morrow—if you come across Menippus the Cynic—you will find him about the Craneum at Corinth, or in the Lyceum, laughing at the philosophers’ disputes—well, give him this message:—Menippus, Diogenes advises you, if mortal subjects for laughter begin to pall, to come down below, and find much richer material; where you are now, there is always a dash of uncertainty in it; the question will always intrude—who can be quite sure about the hereafter? Here, you can have your laugh out in security, like me; it is the best of sport to see millionaires, governors, despots, now mean and insignificant; you can only tell them by their lamentations, and the spiritless despondency which is the legacy of better days. Tell him this, and mention that he had better stuff his wallet with plenty of lupines, and any unconsidered trifles he can snap up in the way of pauper doles†or lustral eggs†.

2Pollux I will tell him, Diogenes. But give me some idea of his appearance. Diogenes Old, bald, with a cloak that allows him plenty of light and ventilation, and is patched all colours of the rainbow; always laughing, and usually gibing at pretentious philosophers, Pollux Ah, I cannot mistake him now. Diogenes May I give you another message to those same philosophers? Pollux Oh, I don’t mind; go on. Diogenes Charge them generally to give up playing the fool, quarrelling over metaphysics, tricking each other with horn and crocodile puzzles,†and teaching people to waste wit on such absurdities. Pollux Oh, but if I say anything against their wisdom, they will call me an ignorant blockhead. Diogenes Then tell them from me to go to the devil. Pollux Very well; rely upon me.

3Diogenes And then, my most obliging of Polluxes, there is this for the rich:—O vain fools, why hoard gold? why all these pains over interest sums and the adding of hundred to hundred, when you must shortly come to us with nothing beyond the dead-penny? Pollux They shall have their message too. Diogenes Ah, and a word to the handsome and strong; Megillus of Corinth, and Damoxenus the wrestler will do. Inform them that auburn locks, eyes bright or black, rosy cheeks, are as little in fashion here as tense muscles or mighty shoulders; man and man are as like as two peas, tell them, when it comes to bare skull and no beauty. Pollux That is to the handsome and strong; yes, I can manage that.

4Diogenes Yes, my Spartan, and here is for the poor. There are a great many of them, very sorry for themselves and resentful of their helplessness. Tell them to dry their tears and cease their cries; explain to them that here one man is as good as another, and they will find those who were rich on earth no better than themselves. As for your Spartans, -you will not mind scolding them, from me, upon their present degeneracy? Pollux No, no, Diogenes; leave Sparta alone; that is going too far; your other commissions I will execute. Diogenes Oh, well, let them off, if you care about it; but tell all the others what I said.