Dialogues of the Gods

1PANGood day to you, Hermes, Daddy mine. HERMESAnd a bad day to you. But how am I your daddy? PANAren’t you Hermes of Cyllene? HERMESYes. How, then, are you my son? PANI’m your bastard boy, your love-child. HERMESOh quite so, when some billy-goat, I suppose, led a nanny astray! How could you be mine, you with your horns and ugly snout and shaggy beard and a goat’s cloven hooves and a tail over your behind? PANWhen you jeer at me, daddy, you’re mocking your own son, or rather yourself for producing such creatures as your children. It’s not my fault. HERMESWho do you say your mother was? Perhaps I led a nanny astray without knowing it. PANNo, not a nanny. But try to remember if you ever forced your attentions on a freeborn girl in Arcadia. Why are you biting your nails and thinking so hard? Why so puzzled? I’m speaking of Icarius’ girl, Penelope.†HERMESThen what possessed her to produce in you a child not like me but like a goat?

2PANI’ll tell you what she said herself. When she was packing me off to Arcadia, she said, “My boy, I, Penelope, a true blue Spartan, am your mother, but your father, let me tell you, is a god, Hermes, son of Maia and Zeus. Don’t worry because you have horns and a goat’s shanks, for when your father came courting me, he made himself into a goat so that no one would notice him. That’s why you’ve turned out like the goat.” HERMESAh, yes. I do remember doing something like that. Am I, then, to be called your father? I, who am so proud of my good looks! I, who’ve still got a smooth chin! Am I to be laughed at by all for having such a bonny boy?

3PANBut I won’t disgrace you, father. I’m a musician and play the pipe loud and true. Dionysus is lost without me, and has made me his companion and fellow-reveller; I’m his dance-leader, and if you could see how many flocks I have around Tegea and on Parthenium, you’d be delighted. I’m lord and master of all Arcadia. Besides that, the other day, I fought so magnificently on the side of the Athenians at Marathon that a prize of valour was chosen for me—the cave under the Acropolis.†Anyhow, go to Athens and you’ll soon find out what a great name Pan has there.

4HERMESTell me, are you married yet, Pan? Pan’s the name they give you, isn’t it? PANOf course not, daddy. I’m romantically inclined, and wouldn’t like to have to confine my attentions to just one. HERMESNo doubt, then, you try your luck with the nanny-goats? PANA fine jest coming from you! My lady-friends are Echo and Pitys and all the Maenads of Dionysus, and I’m in great demand with them. HERMESPlease do me a favour, son. I’ve never asked one from you before. PANTell me what you want, daddy, and let me see to it. HERMESYou may come here and pay your respects to me, but please don’t call me daddy when anyone can hear.