Dialogues of the Gods

1ZEUSStop quarrelling, you two; you’re just like a couple of men. It’s quite improper and out of place at the table of the gods. HERACLESBut, Zeus, do you really mean this medicine man to have a place above me? ASCLEPIUSHe does, by Zeus, for I’m your better. HERACLESHow, you crackbrain? Because Zeus blasted you with his thunderbolt for your impious doings,†and you’ve now received immortality because he relented and pitied you? ASCLEPIUSYou must have forgotten, Heracles, how you too were scorched to death on Oeta,†that you taunt me with getting burned. HERACLESThat doesn’t mean our lives were the same. I’m the son of Zeus, and performed all those labours cleaning up the world, by overcoming monsters, and punishing men of violence; but you’re just a herb-chopper and quack, useful perhaps among suffering humanity for administering potions, but without one manly deed to show.

2ASCLEPIUSHave you nothing to say of how I healed your burns, when you came up half-scorched the other day? Between the tunic and the fire after it, your body was in a fine mess. Besides, if nothing else, I was never a slave like you, carding wool in Lydia, wearing purple, and being beaten with Omphale’s†golden sandal. What’s more, I never killed my wife†and children in a fit of spleen. HERACLESIf you don’t stop insulting me, you’ll pretty soon find out that your immortality won’t help you much. I’ll pick you up and throw you head first out of heaven, so that you’ll crack your skull, and not even Apollo the Healer will be able to do anything for you. ZEUSStop it, I say; don’t disturb our dinner-party, or I’ll send you both from the table. But it’s only reasonable, Heracles, that Asclepius should have a place above you, as he died before you.